This Sucks, etc - #1: Action 52

So, how to start off a new blog? Why, a new section hosting an abysmal game, of course! There is no possible way I could begin to describe the horrors you are about to see, so let me pitch this hideous monstrosity Action 52 that I am to cheerlessly review as it would have been pitched on release:

(The boardroom of game corporation giant Sega in 1993.)

Producer: So, you had a game port you were telling me about over the phone?

Active Enterprises Developer: Well yeah, guys! There's this great old game we've got called Action 52 that originated on the NES back in the Christmas season of 1991. It had 52, count them, 52, top-notch games all in one massive compilation! It bombed, but wahey! We've ported it over to the Sega with smack-bang new graphics and the same gameplay that isn't even as sophisticated as Pong! But don't worry, we'll sell millions, I tell you. Kids'll go ape for the re-release of a game that was a critical and commercial failure in every way two years ago. It'll finally repay our gaping bankruptcy and kickstart some great Action 52 merch!

Producer: (Skeptically) And on this promotional leaflet you say all this will make...millions?

Active Enterprises Developer: Millions.

Producer: Well, I can't argue with that. If this isn't a massive cash grab then I don't know what is.

They gave birth to, and I say this with immense trepidation:

And so, some developer executives somehow greenlighted the reiteration of the notorious game Action 52. Fifty-two games, all of them terrible for various reasons, including:

-They were buggy beyond the state of playabilty.

-The graphics were sub-par for the era, which is to say very, very poor.

-The games had no originality - three quarters of them are poor space and platform knock-offs devoid of gimmicks and flashy graphics.

-They were incarnations of the terrible Action 52 NES games that came before them.

-They were arcade-style games, therefore were point based and had no objective whatsoever.

And last, but not least, the original (the NES, unconfirmed how much the Sega port cost) game cost $200. It was a bold move, and it was argued that it was a bargain, figuring that each game cost $4 thus was some great deal. Maybe if the games were decent four dollars would suffice, but that still seems like a rip-off to me, given the quality of the games which you will later see. See the box art? Promises a lot with its marketing, doesn't it? Ultimate challenge? Seal of quality by the 'Action Association'? Boy, I bet it earned that.

But they went further with their bold marketing plan. Active Enterprises, the company that made the game, were planning to establish a whole franchise - one of the games was entitled the Cheetahmen; the developers were going to sell action figures, comic books (They even shipped one with the game), possible TV episodes, novelty cereals, that sort of thing. And who are these iconic Cheetahmen, who almost (well, not by a long shot, really) got their own franchise if the game had have been a success?

These are the aforementioned Cheetahmen.

They had names, but I'll give a dollar to a casual player of this game who could remember them. Their backstory (in the manual)? They were the result of some nuclear experiment gone wrong that mutated them into deformed men. Their identities? Well, there's the one with a headband that's good with melee weapons, the one without garish plate armour who has ranged weapons, and the one with a buzzcut. Still, that seems a little more detailed than one would expect to see in a standard 90's platformer, right? Prepare to see the gameplay of the Cheetahmen on the Genesis:

That's it. Everything about this game can be summed up by that picture, other than the fact that there's five levels and five lives, no menu, you press the A button to attack and this game is slightly better than the NES version, but still awful. Don't ask how Cheetah-like men and snakes can climb trees, nor bother to question how there's ladders and vines that can somehow be climbed to reach the tallest tree on (presumably) Earth. It's as flat as philosophers thought the world was 500 years ago, and, worryingly, it's the best game on this atrocious compilation.


Now, the graphics don't seem so bad per se, but, given that the year is 1993 and Doom was released around the same time, you can see that this is nothing special, if a lot better than the NES version, which, in 1991, boasted these outstanding graphics:

But, as said earlier, the Cheetahmen was the cream of the crop. The game gets worse. Much much worse. Want a smorgasbord of the 'ultimate challenges' and 'action' you can expect to find on this game? Look no further.

Now, that might not seem so bad, but firstly, the pictures imply more than the game provides, and secondly, you're forking more than $200 for games exactly like this. In fact, what you see is what you get. The skateboard game is endless and repetitive. The drawing game is just drawing - you can do nothing with the pictures. The space game is just like the other 25 space games - you stay stationary while a bunch of glitched enemies come your way. The tennis game is two player only. Good luck finding a friend to play Action 52 with. Good luck.

The bad thing about the Sega version of Action 52 is that, unlike its NES counterpart, it's just plain bland. The NES version was fun to play because it was laughably bad. This game, however, is just...dull, in the sense that nothing original, interesting, or funny ever happens. It's just overall not entertaining. The games are repetitive and never change in events or pace, and adding to that, they are all the same. In fact, there's only about five different genres covered here. Given all the games are the same, that's five games worth. These include a:

-Space shooter

-Classic platformer

-Drawing Game

-Sport Game

-Number/Pattern Puzzle Game

Should be called Action 5.

In fact, the only people who bought this game were grandparents blowing their pension on this game for their ungrateful children. No-one bought it and played it other than those who gave it a cult following for being a poor game.  Fortunately, Active Enterprises died a slow and terrible financial and critical death and this game, Action 52, harks on in legend as one of the most infamous videogames of all time. 

Just be glad you never had to play it, like I did. Boy this game gives me nightmares. 


Don't believe me?

If you're a masochist and enjoy putting yourself through torture for some sick reason, you can find more information about Action 52 at the wonderful ArkFullOfSorrow site that reviews every single game on Action 52. I pity the creator for having to suffer at their expense in order to warn us to never play this game. Or you can have a wonderful time enduring the gameplay of the NES Action 52. Either way, you will regret it.